Reasons Why You Should F&*$ing Hate Facebook (NEH Magazine)

Do you ever have those days when social networking gets the best of you? I do.

To follow is a Facebook book rant I published in the July Issue of NEH Magazine.

I hope my friend numbers don’t dramatically decrease after this.

Reasons Why You Should F&*$ing Hate Facebook

There are things I appreciate about Facebook. Living abroad, it’s a great tool for my family to keep up with my escapades over seas. There are a number of relevant conversations happening daily involving social and community issues. I like that it’s a verb. You can say, “Let’s Facebook each other” after meeting someone, and it will be followed by the ubiquitous, “Nice to meet you at the Bada Bing” message once you become friends.

The good Facebook friends are the people who share interesting articles that I otherwise would not have stumbled across. For example, I recently read an article titled, “Of Course I Take Pictures of My Penis and Send Them to People” from http://www.newyorker.com/. Another good Facebook friend to have on your list is the one that shares the viral video gems, and I’m happy with how easy it is to share these videos via this particular social networking medium. I also dig on pictures of food that I just can’t get here in Korea, especially what my cousin posts from her Mama Perez cooking blog.

That said, there are a lot of things that I fucking hate about Facebook.

If it appears to be some kind of pornographic video, or has even a microscopic chance of being shady, don’t assume you can click that button and secretly watch it in the personal confines of your apartment. When you click that link, it will broadcast to your network that you “like” that smut. Everyone will see it and it won’t be your dirty little secret. Listen you horny devil, at least look at your profile immediately after making the poor decision to click, and delete the embarrassing evidence. Not that I would know anything about this.

Nice. You killed Wanda in Vampire Wars and you need a new loin cloth on FronterVille. However when you found some black mystery eggs in your chicken coup on FarmVille, I just think you’re racist.

I’ve never heard a good explanation for making your relationship status public. You are just asking for one hell of a headache when the relationship takes a turn for the worst. Unless what you are really looking for is a public outcry over your single or not-single status (I’m so happy for you; I’m so sad for you), what’s the point?

I’m glad you’re dedicated to fitness, but why do you find it necessary to post your running stats with RunKeeper? Nobody cares that you just ran 3.32 miles in 33.23 minutes and burned 539 calories with an average pace of 10:03/mi with an average speed for 5.97 mph.

On the topic of fitness, does it say in your “Welcome to Crossfit” manual that you must update your social network with the stats of your daily workout? That information is about as interesting as the “Epic Workout” remarks people find it necessary to share every day. Good for you and your four hours of basketball, followed by an hour of intense weights, concluding with two hours running in the Oregon rain. Worse yet are the updates the following day of “OMG, I’m so sore. I can’t believe I played basketball for 4 hours blah blah blah.” But please, post more pictures of your workouts, I love those.

Oh, you’re a Virgo too. And because you post your daily horoscope it means I never have to go without my astrological forecast of bullshit. Lucky for all of us, so did the Geminis, and the Capricorns, and even the Scorpios.

What’s it say about you when you “like” your own comments? Once you open that door, how can you only “like” some of your comments, but not others? Now it looks like you don’t approve of everything you say. You look like a real winner when you are the only person to “like” what you said.

I saw the movie “Social Network” too. Zuckerberg sure is a crafty fellow. That doesn’t give you license to complain about what a prick he is every time parts of your account get changed back to the advantage-of-facebook default setting. Yes, it’s a little scary that Facebook has been building a database of your face, and is starting to tag you in pictures without your consent. But seriously, if you hate it that much, delete your account. The Facebook police always let you know when something is fishy anyway, by excessively reposting instructions on how to opt out.

On the topic of reposting, please don’t feel it necessary to share a video just because everyone else on your friends list is doing it. Anyone that alienates you for failing to do so is not a real friend. After all, these are all our real friends, right? And seriously, the only people that will see the video are the same people that already posted it, because YOU’RE ALL FACEBOOK FRIENDS.

Since I just did it, let’s discuss the use of ALL CAPS. Typing this way and as using excessive punctuation does not in fact lend urgency to your message. It does however give two impressions. 1) You never learned how to use the caps lock button and, 2) You think what you have to say is really, really important, which usually means it’s not. And it just makes you look like you’re shouting all the time. Nobody likes that guy.

The “Checking In” function, I kind of get it, as long you go somewhere interesting. Supporting your favorite sports team. OK. Trying a new restaurant. Sure. Why are you checking in at home? Or work? Where are you really and what are you trying to hide?

Putting pictures of your tattoos on Facebook is tasteless. Good for you, you just got some ink. These days, most people have tattoos. The shaved, greasy, just stabbed by a needle picture displaying your new body art is tacky and disgusting.

Why are posting pictures of your cats you dork. And don’t you dare make that your profile picture.

What’s with bazilions of people being tagged in a photo of the new Nike Air Yeezy glow in the dark shoes? Are these real shoes? Who is tagging you and why? Also, does Nike really make high heels? How come I’ve never actually seen them other than on Facebook?

I understand you need to sell your iPod Touch 64GB, but how many times must you let us know about it. Here’s a hint. After the first few posts, if nobody bites, you aren’t selling that shit.

This rant has become tiresome.  Rather than further isolate myself from my friends, who will surely be heading straight over to my Facebook profile to pick it apart, it’s time to put an end to this. My profile will be there, I actually like Facebook too much to delete
my account.  Just do us all a favor and stop using the face of your child as your profile picture, or at least get the kid some braces. Then, stop wishing me a good morning.  What’s so great about every morning?  As far as the good evenings are concerned, I don’t need your approval to go to bed, and when you retire for the night is your business, not mine.   And for the love of God, stop begging people to care about your pathetic cries for attention.  I’m bored.  I’m tired. I work so hard.  I’m so conflicted.  Enough already. Somebody get this guy a girlfriend.

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~ by ripcitytoseoul on July 22, 2011.

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